Brian Jonestown, Carmon Electra & the 6′ 7″ Jew

So yesterday I went to Webster Hall to see The Brian Jonestown Massacre, which was a fun thing. I really do like that band. And I got to shout shit at the 6’7″ Rapping Jew. Yeah, the same one who hangs out at Union. He was at the show too. And Anton (of BJM) had him up on stage! I couldn’t believe it. He came out carrying the 6’7″ Rappin’ Jew’s sign that says “SIX FOOT SEVEN INCH RAPPING JEW WILL RAP FOR MONEY” The same one he’s been carrying around Union for the past few years. And I guess Anton thought is was unique and cute. Or maybe he was just fucking with the audience like he does. But so anyway he introduced the rapping Jew and he came out front and center and asked for suggestions on things to rap about. And while people shouted out things like “weed!” and “tits!” I was directly above the stage lerching over their heads, and I shouted my suggestion as loud as possibly as I could. Hands cupped around my mouth I yelled “UNION SQUARE SCUMBAG! UNION SQUARE SCUMBAG! UNION SQUARE SCUMBAG!!!” But he didn’t use my suggestion in his “rap” that went on for like 20 minutes.

Then on my way home last night, like midnight, I was headed towards the JMZ trains on Delancy in Soho and there was this camera crew aiming cameras down the sidewalk at me. And this director guy was saying to me “Act like we’re not filming you! Just walk normally! Just act normal!” And I did just that and turning to my right to walk down into the subway station up the steps comes Carmon Electra in hotpants and a bikini top looking all scared and shocked. And she even worked me into the “acting” looking at me, then trotting by me looking scared and shocked, while the director shouted “That’s great Carmon! Fantastic!” And I proceeded down into the station to the long train ride home.

She seemed about 4 and a half feet tall, 78 lbs, at most.

And I’m just about to start the last short story in JD Salinger’s “Nine Stories” (I was told the 9th one is the best) and I had a dream about what it was going to be last night. I dreamed that I had 4 friends (this was the story playing out with me as the lead), and we all got our shoes washed by this black janitor every day. We all gave him our shoes to wash, which he did so gratefully. Then a woman’s voice said “I love you, honey” and I realized that the story was an analogy, and I was the four friends, and the black janitor symbolized my true love who stayed with me despite being my servant, and I wept, and sang a song to her about my love and how grateful I was that she still loved me. I actually woke up this morning singing the song out loud.

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Zeit Geist

About 2 years ago I was in the Penn Station area of Manhattan waiting to meet a friend. We met at a Starbucks near there and were hanging out having coffee when we were approached by this kind, well dressed, old white man. He told us his name was Zeit Geist (rhymes with “right-heist”). He invited me and the girl I was with to come see his show, right around the corner, in less than an hour. He claimed the tickets to be worth $50 but he would sell them to us for $5 a piece. He was really quite dashing. Probably in his mid to late 70’s, well dressed in an old fashioned suit, the kind that includes a vest and hat, like William Burroughs style.

Always up for an adventure I bought us each tickets, we went and grabbed a late lunch, then followed the address on the tickets to a doorway a few blocks west of Penn Station in a fairly uninhabited area of the city. It was a Sunday afternoon and all of the stores were closed. Very few people were around walking the streets. The building that his show was supposedly taking place seemed wrong, like we were at the wrong address. It was an unmarked black door, and as I remember, the only clue we had that it was the correct address was because the addresses on either side of the door left us no choice.

Then another couple showed up, and then a guy. All of us seemed a little confused, each of us having dealt with the same, kind, blue-eyed old man selling tickets to his show to strangers on the street. So in we went. It was a dark, anonymous place. We followed the directions on our tickets down a hallway, up some stairs and into a tiny theater where the old man was to greet us.

It was only him. No ticket-takers, no other actors, no crew. Just him. It was a little awkward, to say the least. But we each found seats and waited for whatever he had in store for us. And sure enough, Zeit Geist took the stage by himself and began to talk. He told us of himself being the Chosen One. He was the next stage of the evolution of mankind. He was the missing link. Our connection to future man. He explained to us all that we were in fact in the presence of the next Noah, if you will.

Have you seen the movie Being John Malkovich? Remember that white haired old man that played John Cusack’s boss? The one who drank the carrot juice until his piss turned orange? That character was exactly who this old man was. He was based on Zeit Geist. His style, presentation, sexual undertones and everything. The same guy. It was immediately clear where those writers got that character.

His show was amazing. Two hours long, and I was riveted through the whole thing. He explained how one who rises into the sky and looks down sees people and cars as if they were toys. And if one rises even higher he will see the earth get smaller. And higher still our planet will shrink from the size of a basketball to a grain of sand, then utterly disappear. And higher still the same happened with our solar system and the universe, until it all utterly disappears, as we also disappear from it. We become one who has seen something no other eyes have seen, and the keeper of information that no one else keeps. We become a god, of sorts, looking down on everything from a viewpoint like no other. And then we decent, back to the planet, feet touching back onto the earth’s surface with information that no other human has ever had. And this, this is Zeit Geist.

I left that show dazzled. He’d given us his home phone number so that he could answer any questions that we might have! He was completely serious, and he was there to share his knowledge with anyone who wanted it. He was the deliverer of each person’s next step up in the evolutionary chain.

Anyhow, two years later, and I’d never seen this man again. I had lost the ticket he’d given us, and there was nothing about this guy online, or anywhere else that I could take others to see him too. Not until last week. Last week Zeit Geist came into my coffee shop to sell more tickets to his show. I couldn’t believe it. I recognized him the second he walked in the door. And funny, when I saw him, the first thing that popped into my mind was “21st Century Noah.”

I immediately told the people he approached about tickets to buy the tickets, and that his show was amazing. Then I bought tickets for myself as well. I only had $2 on me, and he let me have 2 tickets, a dollar a piece! I knew that if I didn’t get them right then it would probably be 2 more years before I saw him again, or maybe never see him again!

Anyhow I just returned from seeing him a second time, and he’s still incredible. A completely different venue in another part of town, a new performance, same message, absolutely riveting. If you can, you have to see his show, titled “How High Is Up?” This time I have the address, and times. The Sandra Cameron Dance Center , 199 Lafayette Street, 2nd Floor NY, NY 10012 every Sunday, 3pm until August. After that, he’s gone, and the only chance you have after that is if you happen to get asked by him directly wherever you might happen to be hanging out, somewhere in Manhattan.

I’M NUMBER 1!!!

Current mood: Superior

That’s right. I’m number one on a Google search for Jesus. And of course the greatest part of it all is being more popular than any Christian website, anywhere, for anyone wanting to know more about the word “Jesus.”

We win! Right?

Creating Final Justice Jesus

Current mood: crazy

Okay, I have a problem. I am obsessed with the new JDU. Seriously, I haven’t felt this since the first time I drew the goddamn thing 15 years ago. I am getting off on the hideous creations that come from combining the outfits. Like, right now I got JC in the stockings, clown shoes, Hitler jacket, Darth gloves, Charlie Manson wig, Hannibal mask, and Tinky Winky head over top of it all, and it’s fucking crazy shit. I mean fucking terrifying! Like I’ve never seen scarier shit than this comin’ at me in my darkest moments.

Then strap the fucking bomb to it and I’m lookin’ over my shoulder thinking the CIA is gonna spy this shit and follow me home. Then, just do this… take off the Hitler jacket. That’s it! Fucking crazy, right?

Oh my god. I’m going fucking mental here. I gotta solve this thing, whatever it is.

Okay, new costume. And this one is so basic. ready? The NAMBLA shirt, Hannibal mask, hitler hat, clown shoes & gloves. That’s it. Makes my heart fucking pound in terror. Try and tell me your heart wouldn’t jump right out of your chest if that Jesus was comin’ at ya in an alley. That fucking perverted creep, in those tighty whities. MOTHER FUCKER!!! DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!! And strap a bomb to this shit and it’s a whole new fucking monster. NAMBLA man, with a fucking bomb strapped on. That’s fuckin’ killer sharks on crack mother fucker!

But you wanna know the real deal? Do you wanna see something real and something fucking scary? Gacy clown suit, black boots, clown gloves, and, ready? Fucking Osama head and bomb on the chest. If that doesn’t give you the heeby jeebies nothin’ will. Fucking nothin’.

So I don’t know what this means. I don’t know if this means I’ve made the best Jesus dress Up ever that’ll never be matched, or if I’ve just gone fucking crazy and my darkest nightmares are there, on the page, staring back at me from that cross. All I know is that I can’t get enough.

Artist, Atheist, Anthropologist