Donkey Kong/The 3rd Elevator level

Current mood: frustrated

Okay, now this may not sound important to you, ’cause it ain’t no savin’ a kid from being child-molested or anything, but they just put in a Donkey Kong arcade game in my coffee shop the other day, and like a day hasn’t gone by since my 15th b-day, I’m addicted to the goddamn thing again. And wouldn’t you know it, I still rock at it too! I can get to the third level of elevators with 85,000 points! But I have a problem. I can’t for the 3 lives of me figure out how to get by those springy, pogo things on the 3rd elevator level!

On the first one they’re slow and you can let them jump over you, run by the ladder, let them jump over you while you’re closer to the base of the ladder, then run with one while it’s over your head to the ladder, climb up while the next one just skims your ass, and save the girl. And on the 2nd level of elevators you do the same thing, but you gotta cut it even closer where you actually touch the pogo things (because they’re way faster) but they’re not quite close enough to kill you, scurry up the ladder just barely getting tagged by the things! BUT on the 3rd level of elevators THEY’RE JUST TOO DANG FAST!!!!! There’s no way through ’em! I’ve even gotten to that level with 3 lives before and I can’t figure it out! It’s fucking madness! The creators are fucking with us! Don’t they HAVE to make it win-able?

And I’ve searched on Google for the answers but it’s just too old a game now. No one givers a flying fuck about Donkey Kong and the elevator level any more! So does anyone out there know anything about this? Is there some other way up that ladder? Can you jump the pogos? Is there some way to stop them or something? What’s the secret! I’m dyin’ out here! I gotta get 90,000 points! I gotta FEEL what that’s like!

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Encounter with a Child Molester

Current mood: Shitty

I’m back at number one on Google, but Christ, Union Square has been giving me the creeps. Yesterday I was there hangin’ out with Bob, and this girl who’s a junkie, Dawn, came up and sat with us for a bit. Then this 12 yr old black kid on a skateboard came up and said “Hey” to Bob. Then Bob helped him tighten the wheels on his board and before long the kid was hangin’ out. That was fine. But then I got up to take a group picture of us all and when I went to sit back down this weird guy scooted in and sat right next to the 12 yr old.

Child Molester & Kid w/mohawk
Pedo who tried to lure boy with cigarettes at Union Square

I said “Hey, you totally sat in my seat!” kinda suspecting there was something weird about his move, but not exactly sure what. So I’m sitting in between the both of them and the kid asks somebody for a cigarette (yeah, that’s Union. 12 yr olds who smoke) and the guy who sat in my seat leans back and I hear him behind me say to the kid “I’ll give you a cigarette if you meet me in the back.” No joke.

“I’ll give you a cigarette if you meet me in the back.”

Of course that guy keeps trying to talk to him, and the kid doesn’t know any better. Just thinks he’s a friendly guy. And the kid makes a joke to the guy pointing at the Junkie girl and sayin’, “Hey you should date this girl!” to him.

Then the guy says, “I should date you.” All of this behind my back thinking I don’t hear him, but I clearly do.

So for me the whole scene changes. I text message Bob “The guy’s a child molester.” When Bob gets the message he says to the kid, “Stay next to me. Don’t talk to that guy.” I take some more pictures of us all, including the NAMBLA guy, and then the guy gets up and goes to the back of the park. While I wasn’t paying attention he had said to the kid “Meet me in the back. I’ll give you all the cigarettes you want.” (The kid told us he said that just before he left)

Kid, Shaggy & Dawn
Kid, Shaggy & Dawn pose while child molester looks on in background

We don’t let the kid go to the back (he was going to go though), and tell him what the deal is. The kid had no clue at all of course. Then we watch the guy stare at the kid from the park. He sat under a tree and peered at the 12 yr old, not taking his eyes off the kid for a second.

So Bob and I had to leave Union, so I had seen this kid hangin’ with an older black guy earlier. So I went and told this guy what had happened. I said “Hey, you know that little kid with the mohawk. well see that guy over there? He asked him on a date, and said if he ever wanted a cigarette just to come to him. And me and my friend were lookin out for him, but now we’re leavin’ so I thought I should tell you.”

So he walked over and watched the guy from afar for a bit, and during that time the kid skateboarded down the sidewalk, and the molester guy followed him. The guy let him follow the kid for awhile, then he approached him, said something to the extent of “If you touch that kid I’ll fucking kill you, you fucking child molester!” The molester then fled the park.

Anyhow, this whole event really left a dirty fucking feeling in me for Union Square. These last couple days since it’s really looked like an fuckin’ mess of dirtbags, and not the good kind. It’s the kind of feeling where you want more love in your life, and less cold ugliness.

Brian Jonestown, Carmon Electra & the 6′ 7″ Jew

So yesterday I went to Webster Hall to see The Brian Jonestown Massacre, which was a fun thing. I really do like that band. And I got to shout shit at the 6’7″ Rapping Jew. Yeah, the same one who hangs out at Union. He was at the show too. And Anton (of BJM) had him up on stage! I couldn’t believe it. He came out carrying the 6’7″ Rappin’ Jew’s sign that says “SIX FOOT SEVEN INCH RAPPING JEW WILL RAP FOR MONEY” The same one he’s been carrying around Union for the past few years. And I guess Anton thought is was unique and cute. Or maybe he was just fucking with the audience like he does. But so anyway he introduced the rapping Jew and he came out front and center and asked for suggestions on things to rap about. And while people shouted out things like “weed!” and “tits!” I was directly above the stage lerching over their heads, and I shouted my suggestion as loud as possibly as I could. Hands cupped around my mouth I yelled “UNION SQUARE SCUMBAG! UNION SQUARE SCUMBAG! UNION SQUARE SCUMBAG!!!” But he didn’t use my suggestion in his “rap” that went on for like 20 minutes.

Then on my way home last night, like midnight, I was headed towards the JMZ trains on Delancy in Soho and there was this camera crew aiming cameras down the sidewalk at me. And this director guy was saying to me “Act like we’re not filming you! Just walk normally! Just act normal!” And I did just that and turning to my right to walk down into the subway station up the steps comes Carmon Electra in hotpants and a bikini top looking all scared and shocked. And she even worked me into the “acting” looking at me, then trotting by me looking scared and shocked, while the director shouted “That’s great Carmon! Fantastic!” And I proceeded down into the station to the long train ride home.

She seemed about 4 and a half feet tall, 78 lbs, at most.

And I’m just about to start the last short story in JD Salinger’s “Nine Stories” (I was told the 9th one is the best) and I had a dream about what it was going to be last night. I dreamed that I had 4 friends (this was the story playing out with me as the lead), and we all got our shoes washed by this black janitor every day. We all gave him our shoes to wash, which he did so gratefully. Then a woman’s voice said “I love you, honey” and I realized that the story was an analogy, and I was the four friends, and the black janitor symbolized my true love who stayed with me despite being my servant, and I wept, and sang a song to her about my love and how grateful I was that she still loved me. I actually woke up this morning singing the song out loud.

Zeit Geist

About 2 years ago I was in the Penn Station area of Manhattan waiting to meet a friend. We met at a Starbucks near there and were hanging out having coffee when we were approached by this kind, well dressed, old white man. He told us his name was Zeit Geist (rhymes with “right-heist”). He invited me and the girl I was with to come see his show, right around the corner, in less than an hour. He claimed the tickets to be worth $50 but he would sell them to us for $5 a piece. He was really quite dashing. Probably in his mid to late 70’s, well dressed in an old fashioned suit, the kind that includes a vest and hat, like William Burroughs style.

Always up for an adventure I bought us each tickets, we went and grabbed a late lunch, then followed the address on the tickets to a doorway a few blocks west of Penn Station in a fairly uninhabited area of the city. It was a Sunday afternoon and all of the stores were closed. Very few people were around walking the streets. The building that his show was supposedly taking place seemed wrong, like we were at the wrong address. It was an unmarked black door, and as I remember, the only clue we had that it was the correct address was because the addresses on either side of the door left us no choice.

Then another couple showed up, and then a guy. All of us seemed a little confused, each of us having dealt with the same, kind, blue-eyed old man selling tickets to his show to strangers on the street. So in we went. It was a dark, anonymous place. We followed the directions on our tickets down a hallway, up some stairs and into a tiny theater where the old man was to greet us.

It was only him. No ticket-takers, no other actors, no crew. Just him. It was a little awkward, to say the least. But we each found seats and waited for whatever he had in store for us. And sure enough, Zeit Geist took the stage by himself and began to talk. He told us of himself being the Chosen One. He was the next stage of the evolution of mankind. He was the missing link. Our connection to future man. He explained to us all that we were in fact in the presence of the next Noah, if you will.

Have you seen the movie Being John Malkovich? Remember that white haired old man that played John Cusack’s boss? The one who drank the carrot juice until his piss turned orange? That character was exactly who this old man was. He was based on Zeit Geist. His style, presentation, sexual undertones and everything. The same guy. It was immediately clear where those writers got that character.

His show was amazing. Two hours long, and I was riveted through the whole thing. He explained how one who rises into the sky and looks down sees people and cars as if they were toys. And if one rises even higher he will see the earth get smaller. And higher still our planet will shrink from the size of a basketball to a grain of sand, then utterly disappear. And higher still the same happened with our solar system and the universe, until it all utterly disappears, as we also disappear from it. We become one who has seen something no other eyes have seen, and the keeper of information that no one else keeps. We become a god, of sorts, looking down on everything from a viewpoint like no other. And then we decent, back to the planet, feet touching back onto the earth’s surface with information that no other human has ever had. And this, this is Zeit Geist.

I left that show dazzled. He’d given us his home phone number so that he could answer any questions that we might have! He was completely serious, and he was there to share his knowledge with anyone who wanted it. He was the deliverer of each person’s next step up in the evolutionary chain.

Anyhow, two years later, and I’d never seen this man again. I had lost the ticket he’d given us, and there was nothing about this guy online, or anywhere else that I could take others to see him too. Not until last week. Last week Zeit Geist came into my coffee shop to sell more tickets to his show. I couldn’t believe it. I recognized him the second he walked in the door. And funny, when I saw him, the first thing that popped into my mind was “21st Century Noah.”

I immediately told the people he approached about tickets to buy the tickets, and that his show was amazing. Then I bought tickets for myself as well. I only had $2 on me, and he let me have 2 tickets, a dollar a piece! I knew that if I didn’t get them right then it would probably be 2 more years before I saw him again, or maybe never see him again!

Anyhow I just returned from seeing him a second time, and he’s still incredible. A completely different venue in another part of town, a new performance, same message, absolutely riveting. If you can, you have to see his show, titled “How High Is Up?” This time I have the address, and times. The Sandra Cameron Dance Center , 199 Lafayette Street, 2nd Floor NY, NY 10012 every Sunday, 3pm until August. After that, he’s gone, and the only chance you have after that is if you happen to get asked by him directly wherever you might happen to be hanging out, somewhere in Manhattan.

Artist, Atheist, Anthropologist