Amazing Strangers, Anthropology, Atheism, Blog, Fundies, God Is Fake flyer, Storytime

I Make Little Girls Cry

Current mood: Victorious!

I was in rare form last night. I took on a whole team of Christians and sent them packing. It was a sight to behold to say the least.

man with Crucified Satan tattoos
Normal Bob Smith’s Crucified Satan tattoos

When I arrived at Union they had their booths already set up on both sides of the park. I sat down directly in front of the one on the west side of Union Sq South, and immediately one of them in their yellow smocks came up to me and asked if I would like one of their pamphlets. I replied “No thank you. I don’t believe in God.”

They love that answer a lot.

And that began what was probably a 40 minute discussion with this girl. Then her coworker friend came over, both of these girls were from Alabama and probably 19 years old or so. And her friend, let’s call her Amy (because I forgot her name), was total cult member status. Trained with the best of ’em to repeat phrases like “God made it that way,” and “I don’t believe in fantasies. I believe in Jesus!” She even, at one point said, during a discussion of a good father going to hell, and a murderer going to heaven, that this was a beautiful thing!

Anyhow, this was all as usual. No new exciting arguments from their side.

“He’s not gonna change his mind. Did you see the tattoos on his arms? You’re both wasting your time trying to convince each other.”

One interesting thing that happened was when this blond lady sitting to my right spoke up and said, sort of agitated “Why are you guys bothering to discuss this? Neither of you are going to change your minds? Why don’t you just believe what you want to believe, and you girls believe what you want, and be done with it?” All this said in a tone that you could tell she was irritated having to listen to what we were saying.

The girls, of course responded with, “Because I want him to go to heaven.”

The lady replied, “He’s not gonna change his mind. Did you see the tattoos on his arms? You’re both wasting your time trying to convince each other.”

I said to her, “I’m arguing this because that’s what we should be doing. Discussing differences of opinions is what’s going to save the human race. Not shutting up. Not war, or violence, or flying planes into buildings, but discussion. That’s what we all should be doing. Not believing whatever we want to believe, and remaining ignorant of each other. That gets us nowhere.”

That lady hung around and listened after I said that, and the girls were stunned. She even jumped in later and asked why God didn’t make it so good deeds get us into heaven. I made her care.

Their cult-stare showed extra bright when I presented them with the “Heaven is Hell” question. They couldn’t respond with anything other than “That’s why we’re out here tell people about Jesus.”

But they could never look the question dead in the eyes and respond. No matter how I spelled it out.

“You’re going to heaven, right?”

“Yes!” They gleefully responded.

“And there are people in hell, right?”

“Yes.” Less gleeful.

“How can you enjoy any kind of paradise while your brothers and sisters from earth suffer and burn forever?”

They couldn’t even hear the question. They were stunned. I stated, “All I want you to say to me is ‘Yes, I can enjoy a heaven while others burn forever in hell’ But you can not say it. Why?”

Of course they couldn’t respond.

Then when they said they wanted to pray for me, I said, “Please don’t. When people pray for me, it’s like wishing me to be in that horrible place you call heaven. Praying is you wanting to separate loved ones from each other. I don’t know how anyone could ever want that.” They were paralyzed. Utterly speechless. And I was elated! I’d just discovered what to say when someone wants to pray for me! Something that paints their prayer in an unmerciful, vomit-colored light!

And when these girls couldn’t answer my questions anymore, I said “I wish you could get someone over there to answer my questions for me.” And boy, they jumped on that invite to get away from me. They ran back to their booth and told on me.

They sent over this big, giant, fat, black man who stood above me (mind you I remained seated on the steps of Union this entire time), and said, “Hello brother. My friends told me that you needed some questions answered?”

And his response to the “Heaven is Hell question” was? “When we get to Heaven we no longer worry about those things. God said that in Heaven we will be given a new body and a new mind. We will not have the same feelings we had here on Earth.”

“We won’t remember our loved ones?” I asked.

“No, I’m not saying that. We’ll remember them…”

“We just won’t love them anymore? Like we did here on earth?”

“No. I didn’t say that. We just have to move on. We have to get on with our lives.” He was getting angry with me.

“Heaven sounds horrible. I don’t know why anyone would want to go there. We seriously forget about all of them?”

“No, now if you refuse to believe what I’m telling you then you won’t go there!”

“I don’t want to go there! Being on a throne in heaven while my brother burns in hell forever? It sounds like a nightmare!”

He too wanted to pray for me, and I said that I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to go to this horrible place he called heaven. After a while of this he got quite frustrated with me and stomped away saying things like “I guess you won’t get to go to heaven then!”

“Why would I want to go there?” I replied. “I love people.” I was honestly saddened by their heartlessness with the matter. And let me say, I was not speaking to them sarcastically, but as openly and curious as possible while he was totally trying to intimidate me, standing over me as I sat on my ass on those steps. I rather enjoyed it. I had no fear at all. And when someone is doing their biggest display to intimidate someone 5 feet below them, and it still doesn’t work, it really makes them look really bad.

So I was left alone for a little while longer. Then this guy from Faith4Living.com came up to me (very much the kindly Ned Flanders type), and greeted me, “Hello. A friend of mine, Amy, was crying over there, and she told me she wanted me to come over here and pray for you.”

We shook hands, and I said, “I’m sorry to hear she’s so upset. I just told her that I didn’t want her to pray for me because to me that’s basically wishing me to go to heaven. And the heaven she told me about sounded like a horrible place to be.”

This all took the usual turns that I’ve told before, but this guy, who seemed so calm in greeting, got the most agitated! His face was turning red, veins popping out all over his neck and face, and he was shaking saying some of the most outrageous things! Like, when presented with questions about Noah’s Ark, said that every species of animal lived there on that continent at the time. They didn’t have to travel across oceans to get to the ark.

“Kangaroos were in Iraq?!?!” I retorted.

And he tried to explain how some species of every animal was there on that side of the world, yet he also argued angrily against evolution with me too! It was crazy crazy.

He got so frustrated with me that he finally had to end it. I know he’s going to email me. We exchanged emails addresses, and he was dying to show me some intro to some book where the guy who invented evolution said that there was no proof for it.

So I made Amy cry. And as they were leaving, Amy, looking sad but not crying, waved to me. I looked the same waving back to her.

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Amazing Strangers, Anthropology, Blog, Scenesters

Scenester’s revenge

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Current mood: Humiliated

Well, today it happened. Today the Scenesters exacted their revenge on me. No kidding. And I was caught off guard. It was an ugly display. Here’s what happened.

iPod street ads
iPod street ads trying to appeal to Scenesters in 2006. Nick Purdue claimed to be the model.

I was sitting at Union Square this evening, just hanging out as usual, and in front of me walks one of the Scenesters. He’s lookin’ at me all funny, and I’m lookin’ at him. Then, OUT OF NOWHERE, he whips out a camera and puts it in front of his face and takes a picture of me! I only had time to grin and flip him the bird, but then he walked by me and took another picture of me! Just out of nowhere! And I smiled and flipped the bird to that one too.

I’m terrified to even imagine what sort of web page they’re all scheming to put together with these coupla pics of me sitting at Union Square givin’ the finger. It’s the not-knowing that fucks with your mind. It’s the same method the Evil-doers use. ie: Terrorism. It’s no different. They’re toying with me. Making me sweat. Who knows, maybe they took a picture of me from behind as well? How can I be sure? I can’t! They could have a hundred pictures of me from behind sitting on the steps at Union, and I have no way to tell if I’m right or wrong.

I have to apologize to my fans! Now you are left with the dilemma: Do you continue to be my fans and suffer through this humiliation I’m sure they have planned for my pictures, or do you just throw away years of dedication and hide from my soon-to-be humiliated self, never to mention that you even were aware that I existed, ever! Jesus or Judas?

I mean, what if they take that picture, write the word “FAGGOT” on it, and make an arrow pointing to me, and post that on the internet?? Or what if they write a whole thing about what a douchebag I am and how I sit at Union and give the finger all the time and am bald, or something like that??? But I’ll tell you, that kid who took the picture strode away like he’d just gotten a picture of me with a booger on my face or some…. OH.. MY.. GOD! Is that it??!? Did I have a booger on my face?!? Jesus Christ! If that’s what he got a picture of I don’t know what I’ll do!! !

I’m sorry, people! I’m sorry! I didn’t know I was this vulnerable to persecution! I’ve never seen before so up close how I am in fact an Amazing Stranger myself!!! It’s over. The site is finished. I am soon to have a long overdue lesson dealt to me. Forgive me. Forgive… me… for.. being.. human…

Blog, News

The 3rd Elevator Level & Friendship.

Today I did it! Just now, I got past the 3rd elevator level on Donkey Kong!!! This is the greatest fucking day of my entire life!!!!! And whereas before my high score was only 95,000 something, today, JUST NOW, I got 125,000!!!!!! I am the all-time highest scoring champion of the universe on Donkey Kong who got to the FOURTH elevator level!!!!!! All you gotta do is just time it out! You gotta wait and be patient with those springy things and count them out, wait for the ones that are too close to pass, then the second the following one is going over your head you just hafta RUN YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF, climb up the ladder and WAMMO! You got it!!! And not only that but I got to that level with all 4 of my lives and I didn’t even have to waste one on it! I got through the 3rd elevator level on the first try!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unbelievable. I’m only now just starting to come down off the high. Calm down. Okay. I’m better now.

What I actually wanted to talk about in this blog was to explain how I do actually put thought into whose Myspace friendships I approve and which ones I delete, and which ones I hold onto for deciding. First of all, I delete any requests that look like advertisements. If it’s just a band requesting to be my friend, and I’ve never heard of them then they get deleted. If however, the request is accompanied by a message and it appears that they actually care about what’s goin’ on with me and the site then I will approve it. I presently have, like ten or so requests on hold because I cannot tell whether they know what I’m doing or are just looking to promote their business.

By the way, I approve ANY Christian who wants to be my friend. I had Myspace Michael as a friend for a couple weeks, but he couldn’t take it anymore and fled. Myspace Hope, Myspace Sarah and Myspace Vincenzo all ended up blocking me so I didn’t even try to request their friendships. But if you’re a Christian, you automatically get approved.

Obviously I do not approve girls who are just promoting their quest to get into porn, BUT I have been having fun with those friend requests from Web Cam girls with impostor Myspace accounts. You know the ones, they have only one or two pics, generic profile info and links to web cams and porn sites. Here’s what I’ve been doing with those requests. I accept the friendship request, then I go through and write the most horrific comments under their pictures and comments. The last one I told that she was so hot that I was spraying diarrhea all over my room, and reflected on how one forgets the power behind diarrhea until you see it push over a television.

Then once I’ve riddled the site with comments I delete them as a friend and the comments stay! It’s great. Especially seeing your revolting depictions among other guys stupid drooling comments over a picture scanned out of a swimsuit catalog magazine.

So I’m not just approving anybody, and it matters to me that you care.

Oh yeah, and having sex with me gets automatic approval as well (For the guys, I’ll accept handjobs while you talk dirty in a girl voice).

Atheism, Blog

Logic Lost

So I’m up visiting my family for the 4th and my dad almost walked into a spider web. It’d been constructed right on the sliding door that goes outside. He didn’t walk through it however. He brought the little kids, nieces and nephews to see the giant web in the doorway. It was really neat, actually. Then he cleared it from the door with his hand.

This morning I walked into a web on the same door. I came out brushing my face of the web and said “That spider didn’t learn its lesson!”

My dad laughed, and then he said something that started an interesting conversation. He said, “Did you look at that web yesterday? It’s a feat of engineering! How do you explain how a spider can do that?”

I’ve always hailed my father for being a pioneer of logic, excluding his dedication to the bible. Indirectly or not I know he was suggesting that the only answer to how a spider can construct a web so structurally impressive is because God made it that way. Of course I was more than ready to explain something to my dad that I had always assumed he believed in despite the bible. I said, “Dad, it’s a talent that’s been developed over hundreds and thousands of years. It probably started with many unsuccessful attempts at web constructing that left those spiders to starve to death, and not pass down their talents to their kids.”

My dad answered back, “You think the spider showed its babies how to make a web, or gave them instructions verbally somehow?”

“No.” I said. “It’s no different than how I walk like you do, or how we have so many of the same behaviors. You didn’t one day show me how you walk and I learned it from you that way. I inherited your traits and behave similarly to you because I’m your son.”

It really did shock me to hear him arguing against evolution. I almost feel like he’s regressed in what was once a purely logical train of thought. One that I’ve always attributed mine to. Then he said to me, “How come a spider in Russia makes the same kind of web there as one does here?”

I said, “Because the same web that works best for catching spider food there works best at catching spider food here as well. It went through the same evolution there because that’s what works best!” I went on to explain, “It probably began as a spider using the web substance to catch its prey, then realizing that it could do an even better job by using it different ways. And I’m sure many of them failed and created things with their web material that did not work, thus leaving them to starve and die. The failures die while the better web makers succeed!”

“They all die.” He retorted. And I said, “Yes, but the failures die without reproducing and making more failures.”

Later, as I thought about it more, I added, “And those spiders are still evolving. That one who keeps making its web in the doorway even after its been torn down isn’t going to do as well as the spider who loses its web and then changes its next location to somewhere different. That other spider is more likely to survive, reproduce, and pass down that single trait to its young. That’s evolution!”

I don’t necessarily enjoy “correcting” my dad, but I could tell by his silence that he was at the very least, impressed that I had answers. Both of my parents have told me that despite how much they hate what I’m doing, they’re impressed with my thinking. They are very pleased to see that I’m putting much thought into what I’m doing, that I’m a thinker.

Like 20 minutes later, after that conversation had passed and nothing more was said about it, I told my dad how fascinated I am with science and the science of evolution. I told him how I had seen this demonstration in a video on the internet by a scientist who explained his theory on how the eye evolved. How something as complicated as a human eye evolved over millions of years. I explained how the scientist showed a flat surface in his first model and how this was the very first eye. A heat sensitive surface that could detect light reflection off of an object but see little more than a blur (shadow and light).

Dad asked me why there’s no animal with this flat eye. I replied, with a partial guess, that I thought tapeworms had this sort of eye. I’ll have to look that up and see if I guessed right. But he bought it.

I went on to explain that the scientist’s next model showed how the slightest con-cave in the flat surface allowed for light to strike its surface in different areas creating a more three dimensional view of an object. And the more that the surface con-caved, like a spoon, the better it reflected the light and shadows of an object in front of it. So whichever animals had the more concave eye saw better and continued the trend of con-caving the eye.

Then I went on to explain how the next model showed how as this eye evolved it went from a spoon-like shape to something more spherical, with a round hole in it. This allowed for the eye to get a clear focal point. The scientist showed at each step what each particular eye could see, this one being a blurry shape, but one that could be seen as a 3D blurry shape.

I explained, how evolution continued in some closing up the hole, rendering it blind, unable to survive or reproduce. BUT then in other eyes, shown in the next model, the hole formed a pocket of water, one which bulbed, making this eye able to actually focus on an object. The model was a hollow sphere with a circular hole in the front and a clear pocket which the scientist injected water. And the more he did this the more in focus the object in front of it got. It was truly amazing to see it build and work right before your very eyes. My dad listened to me explain it without saying anything. Just sort of looking like he agreed but couldn’t say it out loud. I was just hoping that he could see that I cared and had answers. I was also hoping to appeal to his logic.

It was a unique moment in time for me, telling my dad how things are. It was also a prime example of logic lost. That’s how I see it. Lost logic. Because our minds (his mind) understand the logic when it’s heard. The logic is there, it’s just lost. Helping my father find that logic was both rewarding and unsettling. Seeing that lost logic in someone I hold so high for his logic is the real wake-up.

Artist, Atheist, Anthropologist