I’ve been feeling like I’ve been shortchanged, and it occurred when I was a kid and a teenager. I think I am now paying for this in my adulthood (as is always the case). There are a few things I can pinpoint in my youth that have led me to being the single, often lonely man that I am. Here’s what I think those things are:

When I was a young child I had trouble finding friends on my own. My mother has told me this many times, and even states in the movie (Bob Smith USA) that she would go out to find friends for me to play with. “Anything, so I wouldn’t wouldn’t have to play with him all the time!” I think this is a large part of the reason why I keep to myself and feel awkward with the initial meeting of someone.

Then when I became a teenager I became an ugly mess. I broke out in acne. I grew too fast which led to a complete loss of posture. I lacked anything that could be seen as cool, and subsequently had no dating/romantic life at all. Nothing until the age of 25. At the time I knew that this lack of experience was going to handicap me as an adult. I even said the words out loud on many occasions, I was so sure.

My religious upbringing only added to the confusion. Sex is a sin. That’s what I was taught. So all of the sexual feelings and thoughts I had at the time were wrong, dirty, and even creepy too have (or so I thought). This made me ashamed of myself and it was totally obvious in the way I behaved. I was a sexual being trying to hide the fact that I was just that. What a fucking mess.

I was just a pussy white kid, just like the ones I point at today in Amazing Strangers. I was weak, skinny, low-self-esteemed, with by no means ANY lessons in how to be a man and attract the opposite sex.

So this is what I have come up with for why, against my will, I’ve been single most of my life. It really kills me inside to think that these things have left me less of a man that what I hope to be.

Nightmares

Lately I’ve been having these nightmares that I’ve failed in New York and have been forced to go live back at home with my parents in my old bedroom in Lakewood, Colorado. I wake up in that bed, in that room, and remember the great things I once had out here with my freelancing, the site, the experiences and friends, and how I lost it all, and I can never quite put my finger on the reason why I lost it. And this last version of the dream I had two nights ago my mom is telling me that I’d have to go back to high school if I was going to live under their roof and their rules again. The dream feels way too fucking real.

Now, nothing could be further from the truth here. I am really doing quite well. I just got a regular gig with Heavy.com that eases the money worries I’ve had in the past. I love what I am doing, and I have some great friends here too. I am so proud of my artistic talents, and my writing skills, and the balls I had to get this whole site rolling in the first place so that I could be where I am today My dream job in New York City with great hope for my future. I take great solace in the knowledge that there’s nothing anybody can do to take what I’ve done away from me. I’ve already established myself here and I am proud. But still I’m haunted by the thought that I am going to fail, or that I am somehow already a failure because I cannot seem to get a girlfriend or attract someone to date me.

This is definitely a hang up for me that I can’t seem to get around. It hinders my progression as an artist, holds back the site, and keeps me from being even more successful with what I’m doing.

One thing for sure, I have never written out my problems so coherently as I have here this morning. Maybe this’ll help me figure it all out. That’s what I’m hoping for at least. Anything to put an end to this behavior I’ve acquired and grown so accustomed.