Category Archives: News

Medusa’s Circle/Unholy Army Tour, Chicago

Medusa's Circle storefront sign
Medusa’s Circle storefront sign

On November 29th, 2007, in the city of Chicago, history was made. Because on that Thursday evening, at Medusa’s Circle in Wrigleyville, Trisha Star and I officially launched the Normal Bob Smith Unholy Army Tour. And it was indeed one for the record books!

Medusa’s was the perfect starting point for our inked-up, glam-a-billy, Heaven vs Hell battle-royal-to-the-death-scapade! If you’re anyone who’s anyone and you’ve even passed through Chicago you know about Medusa’s Circle, and Pier & Lora made me and everyone who came for the magnet signing feel right at home. There was champagne, 8X10s, fans young and old, for the hour between 6 and 7. I posed in pictures with some of the most adorable people you could only hope to meet when you’re the Prince of Darkness in a slim-fitted tuxedo and platform shoes.

No joke, I seriously have the cutest, friendliest, sharpest fans, and it was a delight to meet each and everyone of them, then actually having some quiet before the storm to socialize with like-minded peeps with a sense of humor. But it was a quick hour, and before I knew it I was being whisked off into the night for a brief sigh of content, a drink, and red carpet treatment at the legendary underground nightclub, Neo.

medusas_neo

Okay, so you know how when you go out for evening of cocktails and you clearly remember being nothing but a perfect gentleman, impressing everyone with your sophistication and class, then exiting at a respectable hour leaving everyone wanting more of your charm, but then afterwards when you see pictures of yourself you notice that instead were a sweaty, meat-hooked, pelvic-thrusting impregnating machine who’s every parent’s nightmare? Well let me tell you about my night at Neo.

At NEO with JDU

First of all, if you’re Satan, and you wanna be treated like one of the Top 4 gods that you are, and your crew given the kind of respect you can only get when Devil’s Business is your main objective, then Neo is the place to deliver yourself. And I want to give Unholy Schoolgirl And a gargantuan black-lipped kiss “Thankyou” for setting us up with our own corner to hatch our twisted plan and look like mutha-fuckin’ playahs at the main table with all the shorties a pimpin’ love-machine could dream of. And, Boy-Christ, we gave everyone what they were askin’ for, and more!

Normal Bob dancin

Listen. I didn’t stand a chance. The second we got there the doors flung open, and there was a giant bouncer there sayin’ “Welcome Satan.” And we were waved right in, and before I could even figure out which end was up naughty schoolgirls were buying me shots and pushing their backsides into all my special places! How do you get your brain to catchup with your bone when you’re thrown in that haphazard? People, I didn’t even bother. And whether I like it or not there’s pictures on the internet to prove it.

I forgot how much I love to dance! Jesus Christ, when I lived in Chicago I used to go out dancing 4 times a week! In New York they’ve got these outdated cabaret laws that make it ILLEGAL to dance! No joke! Look it up! So there was no holding my ass to the barstool when those 80s back-beats started thumpin’! And Mary-n-Joseph-n-Baby-J, the skirts got their FREAK ON when my hooves hit the dance floor! I seriously need to call a couple of those play-things and find out whether or not I’m gonna be a daddy!

Normal Bob & Trisha Star
Normal Bob & Trisha Star

I am so thankful I have Trisha Star playing for my team and keeping an eye on me. I know how to find serious trouble when I’m up to my   horns in beautiful babes, and intoxicating sounds and beverages. If these things are only going to get bigger and better as we go then I’m in fucking trouble! I should probably consider getting a vasectomy.

But it was seriously the greatest night! We were selling magnets by the handfuls, people were thanking me for the site, all while I was keeping the tables and bar stocked with GOD IS FAKES and Jesus Dressup flyers. Then they’d all be gone the next time I circled and in people’s hands while they were laughing and having more fun than anyone in Heaven. There was a rich vibe in the air, and the appreciation was for real. It felt great to be back in this home again… surrounded by hot schoolgirls… with about 10 hard drinks upside my head.

medusas_schoolgirl

Hey, I’m not kiddin’ about the overload. I was going to Ang’s bar to order ice-waters, and getting them served to me with a side of Jagermeister with a couple schoolgirls at the end of the bar waving-n-winking ’cause it’s on them!  Of course I’d completely forget to even look at the ice water, down the shot(s), and continue until the ice-waters I’d once ordered “responsibly” blended seamlessly into the empty shot glasses and ashtrays. Thus, the cross-eyed, shiny-faced red devil standing before you.

My dancing shoes were set to Eleven up until about 3:30 in the morning. Then, alone, I stumbled out into the night and hailed a cab. And when the cabby asked me why it was that I dressed like I was, I replied: “Because I’m Satan, and I’ve had a lot to drink and I just need to go home.”

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The 3rd Elevator Level & Friendship.

Today I did it! Just now, I got past the 3rd elevator level on Donkey Kong!!! This is the greatest fucking day of my entire life!!!!! And whereas before my high score was only 95,000 something, today, JUST NOW, I got 125,000!!!!!! I am the all-time highest scoring champion of the universe on Donkey Kong who got to the FOURTH elevator level!!!!!! All you gotta do is just time it out! You gotta wait and be patient with those springy things and count them out, wait for the ones that are too close to pass, then the second the following one is going over your head you just hafta RUN YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF, climb up the ladder and WAMMO! You got it!!! And not only that but I got to that level with all 4 of my lives and I didn’t even have to waste one on it! I got through the 3rd elevator level on the first try!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unbelievable. I’m only now just starting to come down off the high. Calm down. Okay. I’m better now.

What I actually wanted to talk about in this blog was to explain how I do actually put thought into whose Myspace friendships I approve and which ones I delete, and which ones I hold onto for deciding. First of all, I delete any requests that look like advertisements. If it’s just a band requesting to be my friend, and I’ve never heard of them then they get deleted. If however, the request is accompanied by a message and it appears that they actually care about what’s goin’ on with me and the site then I will approve it. I presently have, like ten or so requests on hold because I cannot tell whether they know what I’m doing or are just looking to promote their business.

By the way, I approve ANY Christian who wants to be my friend. I had Myspace Michael as a friend for a couple weeks, but he couldn’t take it anymore and fled. Myspace Hope, Myspace Sarah and Myspace Vincenzo all ended up blocking me so I didn’t even try to request their friendships. But if you’re a Christian, you automatically get approved.

Obviously I do not approve girls who are just promoting their quest to get into porn, BUT I have been having fun with those friend requests from Web Cam girls with impostor Myspace accounts. You know the ones, they have only one or two pics, generic profile info and links to web cams and porn sites. Here’s what I’ve been doing with those requests. I accept the friendship request, then I go through and write the most horrific comments under their pictures and comments. The last one I told that she was so hot that I was spraying diarrhea all over my room, and reflected on how one forgets the power behind diarrhea until you see it push over a television.

Then once I’ve riddled the site with comments I delete them as a friend and the comments stay! It’s great. Especially seeing your revolting depictions among other guys stupid drooling comments over a picture scanned out of a swimsuit catalog magazine.

So I’m not just approving anybody, and it matters to me that you care.

Oh yeah, and having sex with me gets automatic approval as well (For the guys, I’ll accept handjobs while you talk dirty in a girl voice).

I’M NUMBER 1!!!

Current mood: Superior

That’s right. I’m number one on a Google search for Jesus. And of course the greatest part of it all is being more popular than any Christian website, anywhere, for anyone wanting to know more about the word “Jesus.”

We win! Right?

Creating Final Justice Jesus

Current mood: crazy

Zen with Jesus Dressup magnets
Zen with Jesus Dressup magnets

Okay, I have a problem. I am obsessed with the new JDU. Seriously, I haven’t felt this since the first time I drew the goddamn thing 15 years ago. I am getting off on the hideous creations that come from combining the outfits. Like, right now I got JC in the stockings, clown shoes, Hitler jacket, Darth gloves, Charlie Manson wig, Hannibal mask, and Tinky Winky head over top of it all, and it’s fucking crazy shit. I mean fucking terrifying! Like I’ve never seen scarier shit than this comin’ at me in my darkest moments.

Then strap the fucking bomb to it and I’m lookin’ over my shoulder thinking the CIA is gonna spy this shit and follow me home. Then, just do this… take off the Hitler jacket. That’s it! Fucking crazy, right?

Oh my god. I’m going fucking mental here. I gotta solve this thing, whatever it is.

Okay, new costume. And this one is so basic. ready? The NAMBLA shirt, Hannibal mask, hitler hat, clown shoes & gloves. That’s it. Makes my heart fucking pound in terror. Try and tell me your heart wouldn’t jump right out of your chest if that Jesus was comin’ at ya in an alley. That fucking perverted creep, in those tighty whities. MOTHER FUCKER!!! DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!! And strap a bomb to this shit and it’s a whole new fucking monster. NAMBLA man, with a fucking bomb strapped on. That’s fuckin’ killer sharks on crack mother fucker!

But you wanna know the real deal? Do you wanna see something real and something fucking scary? Gacy clown suit, black boots, clown gloves, and, ready? Fucking Osama head and bomb on the chest. If that doesn’t give you the heeby jeebies nothin’ will. Fucking nothin’.

So I don’t know what this means. I don’t know if this means I’ve made the best Jesus dress Up ever that’ll never be matched, or if I’ve just gone fucking crazy and my darkest nightmares are there, on the page, staring back at me from that cross. All I know is that I can’t get enough.