All posts by Normal Bob

Artist, Atheist, Anthropologist

I am a lame duck.

Current mood: Pain

Today, when I was leaving my building, I was goin’ down the steps and there was this pigeon flying around in the stairwell. It was flying all over trying to get out hitting the windows and everything, making a big scene. Well, wouldn’t you know it, it distracts me, I look up at it, and my foot misses the next step down and I fall like 3 steps to the ground, like a cowardly lame gimp. I even let out a wimpish “Ugh!” and fell with my arms out over my head onto the ground, skinning my knee and I think twisting my ankle.

It hurt really bad but I was still able to get up and limp to the subway. I came into town, plopped my ass down at Union, and it ached. An hour later I got up and it hurt at first, then it felt almost totally better, until I made a right turn walking. That’s when the pain hit, and it’s been only getting worse since. I’m really having trouble walking and I don’t even know how I’m gonna make it back to the train and walk up the 4 flights of steps in my building without an elevator. If it hurts this bad tomorrow, I may not leave my place, which is good for al;l of you because that means I’ll post a whole buncha updates I’ve got. Like some funny new Amazing Strangers, and more hate mail.

Stupid fucking pigeon, making me look like an idiot! At least there wasn’t anybody around to witness it. But it’s funny, even though I was totally alone there, I still blushed and was embarrassed in front of that pigeon. What’s up with that?


Donkey Kong/The 3rd Elevator level

Current mood: frustrated

Okay, now this may not sound important to you, ’cause it ain’t no savin’ a kid from being child-molested or anything, but they just put in a Donkey Kong arcade game in my coffee shop the other day, and like a day hasn’t gone by since my 15th b-day, I’m addicted to the goddamn thing again. And wouldn’t you know it, I still rock at it too! I can get to the third level of elevators with 85,000 points! But I have a problem. I can’t for the 3 lives of me figure out how to get by those springy, pogo things on the 3rd elevator level!

On the first one they’re slow and you can let them jump over you, run by the ladder, let them jump over you while you’re closer to the base of the ladder, then run with one while it’s over your head to the ladder, climb up while the next one just skims your ass, and save the girl. And on the 2nd level of elevators you do the same thing, but you gotta cut it even closer where you actually touch the pogo things (because they’re way faster) but they’re not quite close enough to kill you, scurry up the ladder just barely getting tagged by the things! BUT on the 3rd level of elevators THEY’RE JUST TOO DANG FAST!!!!! There’s no way through ’em! I’ve even gotten to that level with 3 lives before and I can’t figure it out! It’s fucking madness! The creators are fucking with us! Don’t they HAVE to make it win-able?

And I’ve searched on Google for the answers but it’s just too old a game now. No one givers a flying fuck about Donkey Kong and the elevator level any more! So does anyone out there know anything about this? Is there some other way up that ladder? Can you jump the pogos? Is there some way to stop them or something? What’s the secret! I’m dyin’ out here! I gotta get 90,000 points! I gotta FEEL what that’s like!

Encounter with a Child Molester

Current mood: Shitty

I’m back at number one on Google, but Christ, Union Square has been giving me the creeps. Yesterday I was there hangin’ out with Bob, and this girl who’s a junkie, Dawn, came up and sat with us for a bit. Then this 12 yr old black kid on a skateboard came up and said “Hey” to Bob. Then Bob helped him tighten the wheels on his board and before long the kid was hangin’ out. That was fine. But then I got up to take a group picture of us all and when I went to sit back down this weird guy scooted in and sat right next to the 12 yr old.

Child Molester & Kid w/mohawk
Pedo who tried to lure boy with cigarettes at Union Square

I said “Hey, you totally sat in my seat!” kinda suspecting there was something weird about his move, but not exactly sure what. So I’m sitting in between the both of them and the kid asks somebody for a cigarette (yeah, that’s Union. 12 yr olds who smoke) and the guy who sat in my seat leans back and I hear him behind me say to the kid “I’ll give you a cigarette if you meet me in the back.” No joke.

“I’ll give you a cigarette if you meet me in the back.”

Of course that guy keeps trying to talk to him, and the kid doesn’t know any better. Just thinks he’s a friendly guy. And the kid makes a joke to the guy pointing at the Junkie girl and sayin’, “Hey you should date this girl!” to him.

Then the guy says, “I should date you.” All of this behind my back thinking I don’t hear him, but I clearly do.

So for me the whole scene changes. I text message Bob “The guy’s a child molester.” When Bob gets the message he says to the kid, “Stay next to me. Don’t talk to that guy.” I take some more pictures of us all, including the NAMBLA guy, and then the guy gets up and goes to the back of the park. While I wasn’t paying attention he had said to the kid “Meet me in the back. I’ll give you all the cigarettes you want.” (The kid told us he said that just before he left)

Kid, Shaggy & Dawn
Kid, Shaggy & Dawn pose while child molester looks on in background

We don’t let the kid go to the back (he was going to go though), and tell him what the deal is. The kid had no clue at all of course. Then we watch the guy stare at the kid from the park. He sat under a tree and peered at the 12 yr old, not taking his eyes off the kid for a second.

So Bob and I had to leave Union, so I had seen this kid hangin’ with an older black guy earlier. So I went and told this guy what had happened. I said “Hey, you know that little kid with the mohawk. well see that guy over there? He asked him on a date, and said if he ever wanted a cigarette just to come to him. And me and my friend were lookin out for him, but now we’re leavin’ so I thought I should tell you.”

So he walked over and watched the guy from afar for a bit, and during that time the kid skateboarded down the sidewalk, and the molester guy followed him. The guy let him follow the kid for awhile, then he approached him, said something to the extent of “If you touch that kid I’ll fucking kill you, you fucking child molester!” The molester then fled the park.

Anyhow, this whole event really left a dirty fucking feeling in me for Union Square. These last couple days since it’s really looked like an fuckin’ mess of dirtbags, and not the good kind. It’s the kind of feeling where you want more love in your life, and less cold ugliness.

Brian Jonestown, Carmon Electra & the 6′ 7″ Jew

So yesterday I went to Webster Hall to see The Brian Jonestown Massacre, which was a fun thing. I really do like that band. And I got to shout shit at the 6’7″ Rapping Jew. Yeah, the same one who hangs out at Union. He was at the show too. And Anton (of BJM) had him up on stage! I couldn’t believe it. He came out carrying the 6’7″ Rappin’ Jew’s sign that says “SIX FOOT SEVEN INCH RAPPING JEW WILL RAP FOR MONEY” The same one he’s been carrying around Union for the past few years. And I guess Anton thought is was unique and cute. Or maybe he was just fucking with the audience like he does. But so anyway he introduced the rapping Jew and he came out front and center and asked for suggestions on things to rap about. And while people shouted out things like “weed!” and “tits!” I was directly above the stage lerching over their heads, and I shouted my suggestion as loud as possibly as I could. Hands cupped around my mouth I yelled “UNION SQUARE SCUMBAG! UNION SQUARE SCUMBAG! UNION SQUARE SCUMBAG!!!” But he didn’t use my suggestion in his “rap” that went on for like 20 minutes.

Then on my way home last night, like midnight, I was headed towards the JMZ trains on Delancy in Soho and there was this camera crew aiming cameras down the sidewalk at me. And this director guy was saying to me “Act like we’re not filming you! Just walk normally! Just act normal!” And I did just that and turning to my right to walk down into the subway station up the steps comes Carmon Electra in hotpants and a bikini top looking all scared and shocked. And she even worked me into the “acting” looking at me, then trotting by me looking scared and shocked, while the director shouted “That’s great Carmon! Fantastic!” And I proceeded down into the station to the long train ride home.

She seemed about 4 and a half feet tall, 78 lbs, at most.

And I’m just about to start the last short story in JD Salinger’s “Nine Stories” (I was told the 9th one is the best) and I had a dream about what it was going to be last night. I dreamed that I had 4 friends (this was the story playing out with me as the lead), and we all got our shoes washed by this black janitor every day. We all gave him our shoes to wash, which he did so gratefully. Then a woman’s voice said “I love you, honey” and I realized that the story was an analogy, and I was the four friends, and the black janitor symbolized my true love who stayed with me despite being my servant, and I wept, and sang a song to her about my love and how grateful I was that she still loved me. I actually woke up this morning singing the song out loud.