Okay, let’s be honest. I am here all alone. I mean, I have an 85 year old mom, and an 87 year old dad, and a 5 year old dog that I adore. But this is the extent of my social life. It really is becoming an issue, being stuck in my own head to such a degree. I know I chose to do this, and I’m going on 4 years now, but it’s feeling like I’m sinking.
Where I’m at here in Michigan it’s very very Christian. Everyone you meet says they’re Christian. A common line people ask when first meeting you- “What church do you go to?” And saying you’re not Christian draws a response of stunned silence. That’s okay by me, but it’s one of the several reasons I am without company. If I had even one other person around me to talk to about these things it’d make all the difference. But I do not. And I don’t see that changing anytime in the near future. I had a hard enough time meeting people in a crowded like-minded city. Here I see not a glimmer of hope. Mom’s saying she’s praying I’ll meet someone.
I’m being harshly reminded of how willing my brain is to take me to dark places. It likes to focus on hopelessness, loneliness, and my almost certain future without love. I’m not sure why a brain wants to do this or how that helps at an evolutionary or survival level. I’m sure too the fact that I’m turning 50 in June isn’t helping me subconsciously either. Then, obviously all of this wreaks havoc on my inspirational levels to boot. Maybe though it adds to the fear levels for their motivational purposes? That’s what they say. “They” being my defensive head voices.
Something else no one wants to talk about is how isolating it is simply being a grown single man. A grown single man is almost always firstly suspected of being a creep. I know this all too well from my years at The Square. I completely get why men are seen this way. I get it. But that doesn’t make it any easier to live with daily. Being made to feel like a creep is my #1 deterrent from attempting to meet anyone.
I’m not just laying down dormant and accepting this fate my brain is promising. A couple weeks ago I found a cheap studio space to rent so I can paint. I saw a handful of YouTube videos of different guys saying “Painting saved my life!” and I thought, “My life needs some saving too!”
I’m starting very basic with it since I’ve not painted since art school. But now I want to do it. And I feel like I have the patience, maturity, and desperation to really give it my best shot. I guess we’ll see.
Sales of my magnets have slowed. Many stores are taking less chances when it comes to possibly offending customers. That’s what they’re telling me. I’ve also fallen behind in promoting them as much as I used to. I feel like I’m falling behind in many different ways.
I try and keep a positive outlook on everything when I write these things, but doing that now would feel bullshitty.
I say all of this in hopes that maybe some of you who’ve been hiding in the woodwork might come forward with something. I really don’t know what I mean at all, but there you have it. An update.