Category Archives: Blog

Amazing Strangers, Anthropology, Blog, Storytime, Union Square

A Free Spirit Bullies my Friend

So yesterday I’m at Union, and I’m sitting with this kid who’s a fan of the site, and he’s cool, and we’re talking. At one point I leave to go to the bathroom, and when I return there’s a couple sitting where I had been sitting. I don’t mind at all and just sit off to the left of them so they’re now sitting in-between me and my friend. There’s a comfortable space between us all.

Then, this guy shows up who’s their friend. He comes right up and sits next to them, which is directly on the step behind my friend. He puts a foot on either side of where my friend’s butt is on the step, leans around and says “You don’t mind if I sit here, do ya? You’re gonna look like my girlfriend! Hahaha!” And the three friends laugh. My friend doesn’t move from his seat, and I see the guy behind him shrugging his shoulders and smirking like, “Haha, I guess he’s not gonna move!”

It was clear that what he was hoping for was to be able to forgo any sort of respectful, “Hey. Would you mind moving over a little so I can sit here?” and instead just hoped his obnoxiousness would make the kid leave and sit somewhere else. When he sat down he didn’t know I was the kid’s friend, so he figured who gives a shit?

A minute goes by and I’m stewing over it all, and I say to my friend, “Hey, can I take your picture? This’ll be good. Trust me, you’re gonna want to remember this moment.”
So I get up and snap a picture.

Bully sitting emo kid
“Free Spirit” attempts to make my friend leave by sitting directly behind him like this.

I’d made myself known, and some more awkwardness is introduced to the situation. The three of them all get quiet and just stare down at their phones, flicking their fingers up and down on their screens. Total quiet. Of course I can’t keep my mouth shut now that I’ve already opened it and say, “Ya like this? It’s the new kind of tourist. They come all the way to New York City just so they can sit with their friends and stare at their phones the whole time.”
My friend is hearing me, but isn’t really saying much. I keep on going because I can’t seem to focus on anything else. “That’s a great move you did to get your seat.” I compliment. And he responds with something along the line of, “You like it? Haha, It’s good, right?”
“Yeah. You need a place to sit, so you just straddle up behind someone, put a foot on either side of ’em and tell them they’re going to look like your girlfriend if they stay there. That’s a real asshole move!”

They’re all half nervously laughing, and half staring into their phones hoping it’ll all just go away. Of course I can’t let it go since the sitting arrangement hasn’t altered in the tiniest way. I say to my friend (but actually to the whole group), “That’s what happens. People come to the city and think this is how we all treat each other here, so they act rude because they think that’s just what we do.”

Now the guy says something like, “How do you know what I’m thinking? You’re the only one who seems to have a problem with this. Just let it go, buddy. Just stop talking about it. ” and “Listen. If he had been a girl I would have been nice and asked if it was okay” To which I shouted, “Yeah, but he’s just a guy so fuck him.”
And this shit he just said proves my whole fucking point. He did it to be alpha. Being polite to my friend, in his mind, is a form of submission to another guy. So to show he’s superior, this is how he approached the situation where there isn’t enough room to sit. It’s stupid fucking alpha male bullshit. And I’m seeing myself as a teen being just like this kid and having this stuff done to me all the time. This guy’s there with his friends, the kid is alone and a little smaller, so this is how you’re supposed to treat him.

Then this hippy guy who’s been playing the goddamned flute on the other side of us turns to me and says, “Hey buddy. Just let it go. You’re the one who keeps talking about it. Quit bringing up the past. What’s done is done. Let it go. Just drop it.”

See now, I’m baffled that everyone is treating me like I’m the one who’s the problem, and not this guy.
“How would you like it if I sat right behind you, put a foot on either side of where you’re sitting, right here and here” I point to the space on his sides, “and then leans in and says in your ear – If you stay here you’re going to look like my girlfriend?! and then laugh about it?”

At some point in here Shaggy arrives and asks what’s going on. I describe it all to him. He laughs about it, then tries to get me to leave the situation with him because he sees I’m fuming. I totally refuse to leave and Shaggy walks away, the whole time trying to get me to go with him. Very stubbornly I don’t budge and tell him, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here. There’s more that needs to be said.” Mind you, still nothing has changed in the seating arrangement this whole time. My friend is still sitting in-between this stranger’s feet.

This hippy guy says something like “I wouldn’t mind. Maybe where these people are from that’s a normal thing to do, to be close to each other” or some shit like that. And the guy sitting behind my friend is saying “Buddy. Just drop it. I didn’t do it to be an asshole. I’m a nice guy. I’m a free-spirit…” [Yadda yadda]. I swear to you he said “I’m a free spirit” to which I responded, “Yeah, you’re all free spirits who just take and take and take.”

“Buddy. Just drop it. I didn’t do it to be an asshole. I’m a nice guy. I’m a free-spirit…” [Yadda yadda]. I swear to you he said “I’m a free spirit” to which I responded, “Yeah, you’re all free spirits who just take and take and take.”

At this point his buddy chimes in “Listen. He is my friend and he’s a nice guy with a sense of humor. You’re just misunderstanding…”
And I keep going with my “Yeah, he’s a really great guy who forgoes any sort of courtesy wherever he goes and just sits where he wants. And if someone’s there? Fuck him because he’s a free spirit!”

Let me make it perfectly clear here again that still no change has been made to where this guy’s sitting. His feet are still my friend’s armrests.
Finally there’s some quiet. I shut the hell up for a minute. They all just sit there. The guy at some point quietly moves his feet up so his knees are up against his chest, still quite stubbornly not moving from where he’s sitting – so as not to admit defeat I’m guessing.

I say to my friend, “Would you like to sit over here where there’s space so you don’t have to look like this guy’s girlfriend?” To which they all gasp, including the hippy guy, that I can’t just let it go. My friend does indeed get up and move and sit in the space next to me, and there’s more awkward silence.

Finally after a minute more the guy says to my buddy, “Look. I’m sorry if I disrespected you. I didn’t mean to. Now can we all just mind our own business now and drop it?” And my friend says “It’s cool. No problem.” And I say, “Thank you” and the guy says to me, “I’m not saying this because of you. I’m saying this to your friend!” I tell him, “That’s fine with me. It’s about time. I’m just trying to help you be better people. Be polite. And I appreciate that you apologized.”
They’re all – “Okay. It’s done. You’re cool. We’re cool.” And I wash my hands of the situation and move over to where I’m not facing it any longer.

Don’t get the idea from any of my self-debasing as I tell the story that I regret at all saying anything I said, or standing up for my friend.
They still stuck around and sat there for a while, until one after another, people I know at the Square were coming up just to say hi, or hang out, and they realized I knew a lot of people here. So after about 15 minutes of this they finally got up and left. We all shook hands, and my friend thanked me for sticking up for him. I asked him if he was at all bothered by the guy’s move, and he had a sense of humor about it. He even said he thought about lying back into his lap to pretend he was the guy’s girlfriend.
I, on the other hand, felt like I was in the fucking Twilight Zone being the only person there who saw the guy’s move as being as rude and obnoxious as it was. Hell, I’m still fuming about it the next morning.

See more on this story’s page of Amazing Strangers.

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Blog, Hate Mail

Dealing with your Personal Troll, Personally

drawing of snarky satan in bowtie
Self Portrat digitized in Adobe Illustrator

This is from the sidebar of the most recent Hate Mail exchange titled “Mr. Nobody’s Flickering Light” but I felt it was worth highlighting on its own here for those who might have missed it.

Trolling’s definition has only been widely understood by the public within the last decade or so, years after my site was first posted, which in itself was a lesser form a trolling.

Jesus Dressup trolled Christians, ie: it fished for a reaction, which I in turn would post as entertainment in my “Hate Mail”. However it was more of a passive troll because I wasn’t invading blogs & online communities to post the link for a response. That just happened by me putting it out there publicly for people to fall into on their own. It did however give me great insight on how to handle trolls, and pretty much snuff out their light between my fingers.

The technique is simple, but has to be handled delicately, and with a momentary shedding of ones pride. It’s a process of gently, very subtly convincing them that you’re submitting and want to be their penpal, because the one thing trolls don’t have is friends. That’s their weak spot. And playing to it is a graceful dance which can’t be resisted by the lonely troll.

The key is to act as if you’re impressed with their insight & cleverness in a believable way (without trace of sarcasm). Things like-
• “What’s funny is I wouldn’t think you could tell all those things about me from a simple email exchange [reading my blog, my Facebook wall, seeing my picture, etc] but it’s weird how you know these things.” or,
• “Lots of those things you said I know are true, I just have trouble admitting to them. It’s kind of embarrassing to think someone could figure all that stuff out like that.”

Also include an apology of some sort, or an act of submission like,
• “I actually didn’t mean to come off that way. I apologize if I sounded defensive, or jerky, [use words they used here]. I’m really looking to change these things about me.”

These are things a troll wants to hear so it’s easily believed. Using their words also plays to their pride.

Once you’ve got them, (and you’ll know you’ve got them because they’ll drop the persona to keep you as a submissive in hopes that you’ll revel further in their glory), that’s when you pull the rug out from under them and reject them on a personal level. It’s harsh, but believe me, deserved. In some cases this process has been known to destroy the troll altogether.

When constructing your rejection letter it’s really important that you don’t sound angry or emotionally frazzled. Simply express sorrowful pity for the situation they’ve found themselves in.
And keep it short.

Then, and this is important, never respond to their emails again. Don’t even open them. After you’ve tossed them aside and made it clear they’ve been completely rejected as a human being you’ll find that they’ll be stumbling over themselves like a broken winged crow to get you back in line. The emails that follow will be long & drawn out, one after the other sometimes just minutes apart, reeking of desperation. It’s an extremely clumsy struggle, and a complete shunning is almost manditory from here on out.
However, if you absolutely cannot resist, a short but sweet“LOL!” (and nothing more) reply to their followups will do the trick every time. For some reason those three capitol letters are a nail in the coffin to a fumbling troll.

It may seem a little cruel at face value, and I promise you they will feel that rejection deeply, but it squashes their power and can dissuade them from future trollings.

An example of this method being used properly can be read on page 510 of my Hate Mail section here.

Blog, Games

Drawing Yolandi

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Yolandi Visser art
Yolandi Visser signature snarl portrait digitized in Adobe Illustrator

Earlier this year (Feb 2012) I drew this snarling picture of Yolandi Visser of Die Antwoord. I’m a big fan of the band and drawing her with that signature snarl came pretty easy. However, while researching images of her, I noticed a trend – Every artist who’d attempted, few drew her without the snarl. And the ones who tried with any sort of a normal facial expression failed (in my opinion) at capturing her unique likeness. They succeeded in drawing some girl who was perhaps trying to look like her, but none would leave you to confidently proclaim, “That is Yolandi Visser.”

In the months following that first illustration I’d randomly stumble across other caricatures of her where different artists couldn’t seem to agree on whether or not her eyes were too close together, or far apart. Is her nose big or tiny? Is her mouth little or huge? And for some reason these questions seemed to be plaguing the renderings throughout my searches at Google Images.

After realizing all of this, I assigned myself the personal challenge of capturing a recognizable likeness WITHOUT the snarl, or growl, or sneering. A normal facial expression that is clearly, unquestionably, a portrait of Yolandi.

After my first few stumblings I found myself running into these same corner-cutting solutions other artists before me had fallen into. Make her eyes farther apart and that’ll separate her from any other girl with that haircut. How about her eyes closer together? No, that’s not it either. Clearly a tiny little button nose is what makes her so adorable. Nope. Well, she doesn’t have a big nose either. How about no nose at all? Then the viewer’s eye can sort it out. Right?

Five illustrations later and I was getting nowhere. Simply putting sharp, shortened bangs on a strange looking little girl wouldn’t cut it. And I swear to you, with each sketch I put to paper she got uglier and uglier. It was terribly, terribly frustrating.

I put the project away for about a week before I could return to it again. I had to try something new. A new angle. That was the key.

Yolandi Visser art
Yolandi Visser Portrait digitized in Adobe Illustrator

It wasn’t until I stopped trying to draw her straight on and instead tilted her head to a 3/4 view that it started to come together. Her mouth protrudes, and that’s something difficult to convey head on. Her nose is neither big nor tiny. It’s flaired, and the nostrils are well defined, coming forward as part of her Gelfling-like mouth. Her eyes are certainly big, but not googly. They’re neither too far apart or too close together. That in itself is a curveball for a caricature artist. And as a girl who was walking behind me at the coffee shop pointed out, “She has Nordic eyes. Not Anime eyes. Think Bjork. Not Sailor Moon.”

It was the three-quarter view that gave me the base to sculpt the shape of her face around. It’s the first right thing that happened in this project. After I had a completed sketch, I scanned it into my computer and traced it in Adobe Illustrator. This is where I can cheat some more and do all the gradual tweaks that you miss on the first (my case, 7th) attempt. Tilting the eyes, adjusting the mouth position and the curve of the upper lip, then adding color, and the white lashes & eyebrows to drive it all the way home.

The whole idea behind this project was that the final piece could be used as a display model for a Yolandi Dressup game. And if you want to get a feel for the confidence level I had going into this, I wasn’t going to spend the $12 on the yolandidressup.com URL until it was successfully rendered in Illustrator.

The whole process took place over the course of a month (that doesn’t include any building of the dress up game, art for the clothes, etc.). I’m proud to say that I feel vindicated. I drew a perfectly recognizable illustration of Yolandi with a variety of facial expressions to choose from, allowing me to be the creator of the greatest ever Yolandi Dressup game on Planet Earth (at least at this particular moment).

I urge you to check out the fruits of my labors at YolandiDressup.com, and try out my latest invention – a Clothes Toolbar on the far right side of the page. It’s my solution to getting all the clothes you’d want in a dressup game without all the art having to be tiny. The game is loads of fun, and I hope one day to hear she agrees.

Amazing Strangers, Anthropology, Blog, Free Hugs, Free Hugs Nazi

Plugs

There’s this guy from Union Square whom, I’ve realized, terrifies me to the bone. He terrifies me so much that I’m not even sure I want to write about him. But it’s impossible for me to ignore, considering I see him everywhere I go (Union Sq, East Village, even just now walking in front of my window at the Astor Place Starbucks).

And this fear is not because he’s some big scary guy who I think’ll kick my ass if he sees me talking shit. My fear is based on something he exposes about the human condition, and the inescapable traps we create for ourselves, and voluntarily allow ourselves to cook in, until it’s too late.

Man with bad hair plugs on cellphone
Plugs

I used to call this guy the “Free Hugs Lurker,” because he always lurks around a few feet away from the Free Hugs kids wherever they are at the park. He doesn’t carry a sign or anything. He just lurks in their vicinity. Anyhow his new name, his real one that’s obviously going to stick, is “Hairplugs.” And his name is Hairplugs because he’s clearly your average middle age man with male pattern baldness who’s gone and gotten one treatment of hairplugs, and then stopped before it was finished. So what he’s ended up with is a perfectly measured grid of hairplugs plugged into the top of his scalp, but clearly not enough of them, so you can see exactly what’s going on, and it’s hideous.

But the scariest part hasn’t happened yet. Because what happened last week was one of the Free Hugs kids, the one who tore his shirt off and was yelling “Where are my bedbugs, homey?!?!“ came up to me and told me basically that he saw the video I made of him, he finally got the joke, laughed and called me an asshole for making him look stupid and all that, but he was fine with it.

He did however want to know, for real, what really was the problem I have with Free Hugs. I brought up the Free Hugs Lurker and pointed out how odd and creepy I thought it was that“grown men like this hung around all you kids every day, following you around the park, lurking.” And I specifically asked him what was up with that particular guy. “What do you think of that guy hanging around all the time, just there lurking in the background with you kids?”

At first he just explained, “Oh, that guy. Yeah, he’s a nice guy…” and all that bullshit, but then he told me he once asked the Lurker “Yo, what’s up with your hair? Why don’t you just shave your head?”
And the Lurker responded,“They’re hairplugs, and I could only afford the one treatment. I paid too much for it to shave them off.”
And that, my friends, is the line that sent chills up my spine.
I’ve seriously laid awake a few times since then trying to absorb that self-inflicted prison sentence.

Just before I started writing this about him, he walked by the window in front of me. He was wearing his awful Terminator sungalesses, marching straight ahead. As he strode away, he pulled a comb out from his back pocket and ran it over his pitiful scalp several times.

I see him every day sitting by himself with those shades on staring straight ahead. Just staring. And I know the undigestible reality he’s doing battle with on the fringes of his ego. It’s the sort of thoughts that make one shake ones head “No” while walking down the street alone.

If you’re beyond curious to see Hairplugs, he can be seen lurking in the Sunday Stroll through Union video at about 1:11 on the far left in the green shirt. He’s pointing me out the the Free Hugs Nazi to, in some way or another, find his purpose in life.

He sometimes shaves the sides of his head (the part that’ll grow back) in an attempt to disguise everything that’s going on. And, at least to me, he vividly sums up the ugliness the Free Huggers attract, while simultaneously illustrating the jailcell we’re all so willing to build for ourselves if we let it, brick by brick. No take-backs.