If it’s not depression, I’m sittin’ on the edge of that cliff. I knew when I moved here 6 years ago that any hopes of having local friends, relationships or a social life of any kind were over. A 50+ single, childless, god-mocking Gen-Xer caring for his elderly parents in conservative-Bible-land during a pandemic has an extremely predictable plotline. I get it. And I don’t see any way others can help me through either. I don’t need an ear listening to my complaints. I know people love and care for me. Over here, men with these issues are on their own. And for the love of god, please stop suggesting I try joining a singles dating site. The suggestion itself is more painful than actually writing a bio for one. Thank you. I get it. But no.
I’ve also recently noticed that I’m audibly sighing now, regularly. Involuntary deep breaths followed by sad painful exhales. I try to divert it by turning it into talking to the dog, or myself, or singing to the radio. It’s a pathetic scene here, man. I’m pretty sure I’m able to keep it quiet enough when I’m out, but alone in my car it’s sickening! This fear of being a single man free of love from here on out has haunted me my whole life. And worse yet, it’s looking to be a self-fulfilling prophesy.
God, I’m lonely.
So ANY-HOW, I’m handling this situation the only way I know. The only way I’ve ever known. I gather up my pencils, pens, sketchbook and my +3.00 reading glasses and head to a coffee shop and draw until they tell me to leave. Point my nose at a page and induce the only kind of focus capable of blocking out the endless loop of all these thoughts through my simple mind.
Outside of this drawing-focus I’m completely scattered. I can hardly organize my thoughts enough to explain myself here even. And in the end it’s most likely a waste of time to do so anyhow since everyone’s going through their own version of this right now. Everyone’s yearning for help, answers, relief, care, love.
There’s no other news to share.
As always, your interest is greatly appreciated.
Oh. Happy St. Patrick’s Day.