Category Archives: Blog

Happy Birthday to ME!

All right. Your “Happy Birthday Wishes” are all very welcome and good (Thank you very much), but I will have you know that I am not the beloved East Village personality you all may think that I am.

Yesterday, June 23rd, the day before my birthday, I had girl tell me to “fuck off!” because she didn’t want my fucking advice and she didn’t ask for my fucking advice. I got news that Casper (a Graver from Union Square) doesn’t like me because, apparently I think I’m better than everybody! Later, I went to dinner with a girl who was chatting on AIM on her phone the whole meal because “I don’t have anything to say to you” (She wasn’t joking). And I even had an “ex-girlfriend” (however brief) tell me that she was “ashamed” to have ever gone out with me! And that was all yesterday!

And a quick glance at my Love Calendar tells me that the chances of me getting laid today are slim to none, so maybe, quite possibly, you all might want to consider that I could very well be one huge, gargantuan asshole, and wishing me a Happy Birthday message might be putting your own reputation at risk? Something to consider? But don’t think it isn’t appreciated!!! And NO TAKE-BACKS!

Oh yeah, one last thing about all of these “June 23rd haters,” I AM actually better than each of them, and they are all mental cases. Okay, so I left that part out before to make my reputation seem more questionable. But still, they all seriously hate me! And they all synchronized they’re opinions to the day before my birthday!

So seriously, who’s gonna have sex with me today? List your excuses below.


Banishing Christians from Union Square

Yesterday evening at Union Square I lost it. I was there by myself watchin’ Skater Bob’s bag while he skated around the park, and these blond Christian people came from behind me and started in on this black man sitting next to me. They asked him the last time he’d been to church and if he’d ever heard of Bla-bla Church of Times Square, or something.

It was two of those typical white, suburban, southern, middle age mothers and they had like 3 or 4 kids with them, ages 14 to 17, something like that, and they were all standing over this older black man next to me, treating him like a poor soul. I sat there listening to them getting all worked up, watching these adults demonstrate to these kids how to spread their misinformation to the weak. I saw a couple of the kids looking at me out of the corner of their eye. I know they noticed my tattoos, and that I could overhear them. This went on for like 10 miniutes. Then Bob skated up, and I was trying to control myself, and I handed him a handful of God is Fakes, and he immediately started giving them to the ladies, and then he skated off. Without even looking at what he gave them they looked at me and said “How are you? Are you interested in hearing about the love of Christ?” or something along those lines, and I let go.

I said to them, “I think it’s appalling what you’re doing, spreading this misinformation to others based solely on faith!” And there was one mid-twenties guy with them, total Christian zombie saying, “You haven’t heard our true message of love.” His eyes were deer-in-the-headlights, and he wanted these kids to all turn into him. I was getting more and more furious.

Then I said, “Ok, answer me one question. I only have one question I want to ask you. I’ll answer ANY questions you’ve got.” Their kids were all gathering around me at this point. “Just answer me this” I said. “You’re all going to heaven, right?” They nodded, sure as ever. “Okay, now my question to you is this. How can you for even a moment enjoy a heaven where your fellow human beings are doused in fire every day for the rest of eternity?”

This twenty-something guy was a broken person. He was reciting rhetoric like, “I am based in love, and Jesus’ love gives everyone a chance to see heaven.” And to him, in front of those kids, I said “I have no idea what you’re saying. Why aren’t you answering my question?” And I took this opportunity to rub it in even deeper. “Kids. There can be no heaven while your fellow human beings suffer in hell for the rest of eternity! Do you understand the horror and dismay of hell? Your friends who don’t believe in Jesus will be choking on flames forever, and you think there’s any kind of heaven waiting for you?!? How could you even smile for a minute knowing that people suffer like this??!?” I have to admit I was getting a bit out of control, waving my arms around, my voice raised. The mothers were quickly trying to herd them all away.

None of the adults had any answers for me. And as adults, they were acting as if they were fine with that! That’s what gets me. The frame of mind where you’re an adult running away from a question! I LOVE answering questions! It’s my life’s blood! Then the ladies had the nerve, while they were running from me, to say “Bye now. Have a nice day.” And I lost it.

I shouted at their group as they left “You’re appalling! Kids! Watch your parents run away from a question! I’m asking a simple question and your parents are running away! They say they love people and they run away from their questions! You should be embarrassed and disgusted by them! You people disgust me! I just asked a question and you won’t answer it! You get no ‘Good-bye’ from me!!!”

They gathered in a group with many others about 40 feet behind me. I started talking to the black old guy next to me about how disgusted I was. He was a really great guy, as most old black guys are. He started tellin’ me what they were saying and how they should have answered my question. He also told me that I probably scared them, and that’s why they ran. I look over my shoulder, and they were talking still, the kids all looking at me through the group. They left the park shortly after. I forget how scary an arguing man is when you come from the suburbs. But I was sitting the whole time!

I ended up talking to this guy for an hour or so. The rest of the evening my heart was at a steady pace, and I couldn’t stop reflecting on how horrible it was, and what bad examples these adults were, and how stupid they are. Then I realized, I need a show.

I am a lame duck.

Current mood: Pain

Today, when I was leaving my building, I was goin’ down the steps and there was this pigeon flying around in the stairwell. It was flying all over trying to get out hitting the windows and everything, making a big scene. Well, wouldn’t you know it, it distracts me, I look up at it, and my foot misses the next step down and I fall like 3 steps to the ground, like a cowardly lame gimp. I even let out a wimpish “Ugh!” and fell with my arms out over my head onto the ground, skinning my knee and I think twisting my ankle.

It hurt really bad but I was still able to get up and limp to the subway. I came into town, plopped my ass down at Union, and it ached. An hour later I got up and it hurt at first, then it felt almost totally better, until I made a right turn walking. That’s when the pain hit, and it’s been only getting worse since. I’m really having trouble walking and I don’t even know how I’m gonna make it back to the train and walk up the 4 flights of steps in my building without an elevator. If it hurts this bad tomorrow, I may not leave my place, which is good for al;l of you because that means I’ll post a whole buncha updates I’ve got. Like some funny new Amazing Strangers, and more hate mail.

Stupid fucking pigeon, making me look like an idiot! At least there wasn’t anybody around to witness it. But it’s funny, even though I was totally alone there, I still blushed and was embarrassed in front of that pigeon. What’s up with that?

Donkey Kong/The 3rd Elevator level

Current mood: frustrated

Okay, now this may not sound important to you, ’cause it ain’t no savin’ a kid from being child-molested or anything, but they just put in a Donkey Kong arcade game in my coffee shop the other day, and like a day hasn’t gone by since my 15th b-day, I’m addicted to the goddamn thing again. And wouldn’t you know it, I still rock at it too! I can get to the third level of elevators with 85,000 points! But I have a problem. I can’t for the 3 lives of me figure out how to get by those springy, pogo things on the 3rd elevator level!

On the first one they’re slow and you can let them jump over you, run by the ladder, let them jump over you while you’re closer to the base of the ladder, then run with one while it’s over your head to the ladder, climb up while the next one just skims your ass, and save the girl. And on the 2nd level of elevators you do the same thing, but you gotta cut it even closer where you actually touch the pogo things (because they’re way faster) but they’re not quite close enough to kill you, scurry up the ladder just barely getting tagged by the things! BUT on the 3rd level of elevators THEY’RE JUST TOO DANG FAST!!!!! There’s no way through ’em! I’ve even gotten to that level with 3 lives before and I can’t figure it out! It’s fucking madness! The creators are fucking with us! Don’t they HAVE to make it win-able?

And I’ve searched on Google for the answers but it’s just too old a game now. No one givers a flying fuck about Donkey Kong and the elevator level any more! So does anyone out there know anything about this? Is there some other way up that ladder? Can you jump the pogos? Is there some way to stop them or something? What’s the secret! I’m dyin’ out here! I gotta get 90,000 points! I gotta FEEL what that’s like!